2001-11-21 | 3:59 p.m.
beavers playing kazoos

so it's been a while... nobody's visited my diary in a long time. woe, woe is me.

i've been keeping up on my wandering. i moved halfway across the country again a couple months ago. that, however, was not before i managed to make an acutely hypersensitive boy fall hopelessly in love with me...

sigh. i'm so annoyed. i'd do anything for the people i care about, but none of them'd classify me as sensitive. i don't cry at movies, i generally don't care what other people think about me, i'm not easily offended, i don't understand people who do or are... i'm getting further and further from the point i was starting to try to make... wanna hear the story? okay.

i had just been beginning to accept that the boy i was in love with (still am, truth be told) was not in love with me anymore (see also Entry #1 “why?”). i was really hurt and angry because i’d originally been very wary of him, but he wore me down. he told me over and over that he was in love with me. he said i was so perfect to him and for him. he called me the sweetest pet names, and talked about our future like it was a foregone conclusion. wah, wah, wah… the problem is that he made me feel like i mattered to him, so i let him in. i told him about my fears and dreams and problems and… everything right down to the little nothings in my day like that i heard beavers playing kazoos on the radio. i don’t tell anybody all of that; it was a big deal to me. it was, apparently, not such a big deal to him.

so i was just beginning to try to get over this boy, we’ll call him h, when i met the other boy i mentioned earlier, will. i wasn’t particularly attracted to will or anything, but he was nice, and at this point i was desperate for something to fill my void, so i went out with him. the date was fine and all, but eh. he wasn’t anywhere close to h. he wanted to kiss me goodnight, but i wouldn’t let him. y’see, at this point, i’d only kissed one boy in my whole life. that was h. at 21, i know that’s abnormal. it’s not that i was waiting for “the one” or that i think kissing’s wrong or that i don’t like it or that i didn’t have opportunities. it’s just that i’d only ever gone out with one boy that made me want to, and i did not want to kiss will. he was disappointed but not disappointed enough because he promptly called me back to go out again.

i was a little bit put-out because i thought that my lack of interest had been obvious. i accepted, though, because i was still lonely and i felt bad for him (he’d just broken up with a girl) and because i was flattered that he’d want to go out again when i wouldn’t kiss him. i dunno, maybe he saw it as a challenge, but yeah, i agreed to go out again. he lived kinda far from me so he asked if he could spend the night rather that drive home late at night (good tactic, eh?). i told him sure and figured that i’d just sleep on the couch.

to be continued...