2001-12-10 | 3:32 p.m.
...and now, the rest of the will story...

so i need to finish up the story i started about will…

so we went out again (remember this is our second date) and ended up watching a movie before we went to sleep. he kept asking me to stay with him, and i kept telling him not a chance. i should’ve, at this point, realized that there was no way he could just be my friend (i’ve heard from various sources that that’s never what guys want anyway), and i knew that i wasn’t interested in him as anything more than that, but i’m relationship retarded, so i realized nothing and did nothing about it. he fell asleep with his head in my lap during the middle of the movie. now i hadda get out from under him without waking him up because if i did there’d just be more of him asking me to stay with him. it took me a good 5 minutes or so trying to make my moves in time with his breathing. i finally got out, grabbed some blankets, and made my way to the couch. the next thing i remember is him waking me up asking why i’d left him. my response was an indignant, “i told you i was gonna.”

why oh why oh why oh why did i not end it then? i’ve tried. many times i’ve tried. i tried when he asked me if i was his girlfriend, and i told him no because i didn’t want to not be able to go out with other guys, specifically H (is that not a screaming hint?). i tried when he was getting frustrated with me and went out and kissed some girl then came and told me about it because he said he felt guilty (was this supposed to make me jealous?). i tried every time he would ask why we argue every time we talk. i tried when he would say he didn’t think he was good enough for me; i always told him it wasn’t about good enough or not but about right or wrong, but i guess i was never firm enough about the fact that i thought he were wrong for each other. i tried when he sexed some girl (twice or more) then told me about it (how psycho is this?). after i hung up from that phone call, i laughed so hard. this boy is crazy! at that point, i thought i was free, yet somehow i ended up back where i was before—still hanging out with him but still not his girlfriend, and he doesn’t go out with anyone else. i tried when he told me that for a long time he kept asking me out because i was the only girl he’d ever tried to get with (sex, y’know) who wouldn’t, and he took it as a challenge. he said, “i’ve never tried so hard.” pretty jerky thing to do, if you ask me. i tried when he asked me to marry him. why does he think he can ask me to marry him when i won’t even say he’s my boyfriend? i even tried moving halfway across the country, but he still calls every day and is determined that we’ll be together again.

so how come, after all my attempts, i can’t get it across to him that i don’t want to be a part of an us with him? maybe i’ve been too nice about it. i do feel sorry for him. he doesn’t know his dad. his mom and his step-dad are terminally ill. he has serious insecurities… the thing is that i feel like i’ve had a really good impact on his life (he’s told me that i have), and i feel like that if i don’t take care of him and try to keep him from doing things that ultimately will make him miserable, nobody will. i’m so conflicted.

anyways, he was in my dreams for the very first time last night. in my dream, a lot of crazy stuff was going on. we were under attack by a bunch of escaped prisoners, and for some reason, i was under the impression that they were aliens. that’s beside the point, though. the point is that will was demanding all of my attention, and while i was taking care of what he wanted, things were getting completely out of control. i lost my family, people got killed… basically, my whole life was destroyed. i wonder, am i trying to send myself a message here?

on the lighter side, today i saw a piece of tinsel jump out and shock a guy. go, christmas!