2001-12-27 | 8:56 p.m.
i am scum

will was going to stop by to see me in 2 weeks on his way home to california. i was going to use the opportunity to lay it down for him, tell him in no uncertain terms that he and i could not be a we. it was gonna be hard, but i was gonna do it because the longer i wait, the harder i think it'll be on him. but he just IMed me. he's not coming anymore. he asked me to visit him in california instead because his mom may be dying, and he wants to be there with her as much as he can. I AM SUCH A SCHMUCK! i hate me. i should've told him a long time ago. i always knew it would never happen. i didn't try to get him to believe that there was a chance, but i was never firm enough about telling him that there wasn't because it wasn't easy to do, and i'm a big, fat, selfish jerk. so now what do i do? be there for him because he's my friend, and i care about him causing him to become even more attached to me or tell him now and add heartbreak to what he's already going through?

well, i'd better go. he asked me to call him.