2002-10-18 | 12:43 a.m.
the real you

today i was reading cactushead's diary which i started on because he listed me in his favorites, and, being the narcissist that i am, i wanted to know what kind of a person would find me interesting enough to do that. the entry i read today was about online diaries and how you can open up here, and it made me a little nostalgic for the old days when i used to do that.

i wish i could say that what i write here is unaffected by the fact that my significant other knows this is here and reads it regularly, but that would be a big, fat lie, gargantuan even. if he didn't read this, i'd've written volumes about him and my life as it pertains to him (i'm sure you're very upset to have missed that). i know it's affected him, too, because back in the day before we were a we, he wrote entries all about his feelings and girls and the like. i remember that very well because when i started falling for him i would read it and get all upset and jealous. i hope it doesn't bother him that i think so, but it seems to me that his stuff lately is a lot more detached and observational than it used to be. i'm sorry that our relationship affected our diaries like that, but there's not much i can do about it.

realizing this, i decided today i would let go a little. until i started thinking of what i would say, and i couldn't let myself say anything i thought of. then i started worrying about what implications that had on the state of my relationship, but i've let it go. like cactushead said:

When you read a diary, when you see through that window into someone's soul, if they're brave enough to let you, it's easy to mislead yourself into thinking that you know them well. You don't. You might know them in some seemingly intimate way, and you might know things about them that their best friends and their moms will never find out, but it's all out of context. No matter how much you identify with them, you probably don't know the first thing about them. That's just not how people are, most of the time.

and i think those two parts of self are converging for my jeffrey and me. something like that takes time, though... especially for someone like me who lives inside her head most of the time and doesn't tell anyone anything... and i'm loving this while that it's taking for it to happen.