2003-01-07 | 1:00 p.m.
have i made a mistake?

have you ever been so upset that you are literally sick because of it? i wasn't even aware that it could happen until last night. yesterday i made the most difficult decision i have ever made in my life, and i was not prepared for the consequences. i don't think there's any way i could've been. i spent hours and hours last night trying to get to sleep so i could get a good night's rest and be rid of the nausea only to wake up an hour or so later (and every hour or so after that for the rest of the night) to heave my guts out.

so how could this decision i made that makes me so upset that my body is trying to purge it from me really be what i want? how could a decision that makes my jeffrey tell me to go be the right one? i'd be hard pressed to be able to tell you right now. all i want now is for him to call me and say i can come back and have him hold me and tell me everything's alright. i even have moments where i wish i could take it all back and pretend like nothing ever happened, but i don't know if i really do want to... or if i even can.

i miss you so much, and i'm beyond miserable thinking of me without you. please don't let this be it.