2003-05-06 | 5:36 p.m.
back in business or something

i am a mess.

my grandpa went into a coma the day before yesterday. he's been on his way out mentally for a while now, and i guess his body decided to follow suit. my poor grandma gets a little water down him every day, but that's about all she can do besides hope that he goes peacefully.

besides the fact that i love my grandpa and will miss him and that i'm sad for my daddy losing his dad, this means that at a time when my boss is going on a three-week vacation and the only other person in our department (we're the company's computer people) will be out for surgery, i may need to leave for a funeral thus conferring additional stress on the situation.

speaking of work, if there's anyone out there besides cactushead (thank you for the note) who still reads this after i locked it up and cares, this is what happened:

i was in my monthly review, which is always torturous, with my boss, and i thought we were done when he told me he had one last thing to talk about. he told me that he heard "through the grapevine" that i had an online diary. now, i had been careful not to link to my diary on my website in any way, but somehow a guy at work found on my website a link to a link to a link... (i don't know how long the chain was) that brought him here. I knew that he knew about it, but i thought he would keep it to himself... in fact, i asked him to, but apparently he didn't. so back to my boss, he suggested heavily that i somehow "take care of it" because of how it could affect people's perception of me. i don't know how much he knew about it or if he was referring to the one reference i'd made to work in my blog (which wasn't exactly nice even though i really do enjoy working here), but i just locked it up to appease him and to hopefully stop whatever chatter was going on about it around here.

i'm opening it back up because i wanted to write and because somebody asked about it and because i've decided i just don't care.

returning to my shambles, i also have a pain in my breast which i am scared to death to find out what it is. i was hesitant to mention it specifically until i remembered that my boyfriend saw fit to mention in his diary (which i'm sure is read by everyone who reads mine plus many more) that the highlight of making out with me the other morning was his cats. the breast pain isn't more personal or embarrassing than that, is it?

then i went with jeff to see postal service and jealous sound last night. it was a good show except that postal service started to get on my nerves with long, boring instrumentals and segues that were just a bunch of noise. i hope i didn't ruin it for jeff. i was feeling sad, so i wasn't much fun to be around. plus, before the show really started, i just wanted to be held, but he said he wanted to talk, then he started to talk about work and grad school. i usually have to practically beat him up to get him to talk about either of those, so normally i would've been happy, but last night all i could think was, "if he would rather talk about those then he must really not want to hold me," which led to all sorts of thoughts of insecurity compounded by the fact that i didn't get comforted for the things that were already bothering me. i found that a rock show is a superlative crying place because the music intensifies emotions, and it's so loud, and everybody's looking at the stage, so no one notices and subsequently makes a big deal about it. (note to jeff: i was just being dumb, and it was good to cry, so don't don't worry about it, hunny.)

anyways, that's all i've got for now. hasta luego.