2004-06-03 | 6:44 p.m.
8 days, 16 hours, and 46 minutes

in just over a week i will be marrying the love of my life, and i am elated. i have been rendered almost completely useless at work this week due to my preoccupation with all that will happen over the next couple of weeks... kinda like kids are the last couple of weeks before summer vacation, but i don't think my boss is gonna do what my teachers did and just let me watch movies and clean out my desk these last few days.

but for some reason, today i suddenly found myself thinking about that one time we broke up for a day almost exactly a year and a half ago. well, i say "we broke up" because at the time i thought i was prepared for the end of the relationship if that's what it came to, but in all honesty, i never expected at all that it would, so when it comes right down to it, i should say he dumped me. plus, in the end, we didn't even really make up. i showed up at his door a day later and very literally begged him to take me back, rescinding the decision that i'd made (the reason he dumped me) in the process.

yes, yes, i know i'm pathetic, and i'm still gonna have to deal with the issue around which the whole schism revolved, and it's going to be harder bacause i've put it off, but all of that is okay with me because now we're together. we're going to live and travel and build a family and make mistakes and make music and watch tv and take walks and go to concerts and cook dinner and fix up a house and grow old and so many, many more things TOGETHER.

my point in relating all of this, however, is that it made me wonder what changed. in the 11 months between when he was willing to dump me quite summarily rather than deal with a decision i'd made and when he got down on his knee to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him, what changed? i mean, for me, of course i love him more... and more and more all the time (as i figure will be the case for the rest of our lives), but as far as my commitment to him goes, nothing has changed. basically, i guess, i want to know what it was that happened or didn't happen or what he needed or whatever to know that he wanted to marry me.

the logical thing to do would be to ask him, now wouldn't it?

i think i will...