2004-08-25 | 1:15 p.m.
promise not to tell

sorry to use you like this, diary. it's been a while since i've written, and i'm only here for a catharsis.

i'm writing this because i couldn't bring myself to talk about it 'cause jeff always gets defensive and indignant that i should be upset over such silly things. i can't say that i blame him; it probably is a silly thing, but that doesn't change the way i feel. send a flood, strand me in the wilderness, or take away my home and leave me penniless; i'll be okay. i won't freak out or break down, and i'll find a way to be alright, but mess with my feelings, and i will be a mess. i am a sensitive person, and i'm not going to be sorry about it.

that said, let me get to it...

the other night in the midst of cuddling, i asked jeff to tell me a secret -- a real secret. he ummed for a while and tried to tell me that he didn't have any real secrets, so i offered an example of a secret that i knew he had, so he continued to think. i was actually very impressed with how long he spent attempting to fulfill my request. i know if i had been put on the spot like that, i would've been hard-pressed to think of something, so i was ready to let it go. but then he thought of something and actually said it was "a good one," but no sooner had he said so that he decided not to tell me because it was "something between me and my friends."

what?!? and what am i? oh, that's right, the ball and chain, as he so lovingly refers to me all the time.

i was hurt, so i pulled away from him. he asked if i was mad and i said no that i was just hurt. he asked that if he came up with another secret to tell me would it make me feel better. i told him no 'cause seriously if someone told you they had a good secret to tell you and then decided they weren't going to tell you, wouldn't it drive you nuts wanting to know what the secret is? plus, the way he put it made it seem like it was a secret meant to be kept from me, and that really makes me feel alienated... so much so that i even drew a picture about it (after he fell right to sleep and i couldn't), which i never do 'cause i'm a perfectionist, and art drives me crazy 'cause i'm not perfect at it. here's a piece of the picture:

it helped me express what i was feeling, but it didn't really make me feel any better.

since then, i've been a little out of it trying to think it through and find a way that i can be okay with the way i feel. as i've been thinking about it, i realize that all i really wanted was to feel closer to him. i've always had a kind of insecurity about jeff's emotional openness with me, but i always just tell myself that it'll come with time. i guess i felt like we were really starting to get there, but coming away from this, i just felt further away and more insecure.

and after getting it out, i feel a little better, but i would rather feel a lot better.